Tom Ballard: the 10 funniest things I have ever seen (on the internet)

One of the best parts about being a “professional” “comedian” is that you can spend literally hours of your day scrolling through weird and funny content online, laugh your fat arse off and convince yourself that what you’re doing qualifies as “research”.

(It will be harder to convince your management/parents/lover/accountant of this. But hang in there – you will eventually wear them down.)

Here I’ve gathered together some of my favourite pieces of research for your entertainment. I’ve tried to strike the right balance between gems of deliberate comedy and the mistakes and suffering of others. Enjoy!

1. ‘Pegging isn’t necessarily that gay – ’

An extraordinary example of the art of standup comedy in practice. Cutting-edge material combines with physical theatre and deafening silence to create unforgettable magic.

2. Ben Kochan hoping for a good tweet

Because I am cynical and bitter and dead inside, it’s very rare for me to actually laugh out loud at anything. But this Twitter thread from young Ben Kochan really made me giggle.

I appreciate the level of commitment to the bit required to spread the joke out in five-hour intervals, and the powerful tragicomedy imbued in the second tweet: “Nothing yet! Still time though!”

It’s also extremely meta that in this representation of the failed quest for a good tweet, Kochan has actually produced some very good tweets indeed. In my view, this is up there with the work of Samuel Beckett.

3. Black Comedy’s Black White Woman sketch (part two)

I remember seeing this on TV when it first went to air and gasp-laughing. The premise, writing and execution of Tiffany is outrageous, audacious and so fucking funny. Me and my (Waka Waka) boyfriend have rewatched this many times, and will often remark to each other that we feel like we’re drownin’, and we “gonna be like the dugong” and we gotta come up for air!

Yes, a big part of the sketch’s success is Brooke Satchwell’s heroic performance but it’s also a testament to the brilliant team of First Nations artists responsible for making Black Comedy and their willingness to go there, completely trusting their comedic instincts. The result is a truly hilarious piece of work that brutally skewers the cringiest of white behaviour without ever becoming too preachy.

(This scene is my favourite but I also highly recommend checking out Tiffany’s introduction and her path to recovery.)

4. The anals of history

Perfect, no notes. (Please vote Green.)

5. Britney Spears’ tweet about climate change and also Lady Gaga

Great work here from Britney, the ultimate millennial icon. To me this 2011 tweet tells you everything you need to know about the attention economy, celebrity, social media and late-stage capitalist culture.

And she’s right: Gaga is a really interesting artist.

6. Titus Andromedon discovers the truth behind Cats

This moment from season four of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (in the episode Kimmy Is Rich*!, written by Meredith Scardino and Evan Waite) has everything a homosexual/musical theatre kid/comedy nerd like me could want: incredible lines delivered by funny people and a withering/loving satire of how ridiculous and stupid the musical Cats is.

For the record, I really love Cats. A big-top touring production of it came to my home town of Warrnambool in the early 2000s and I went to see it and it blew my tiny mind and made me want to become a performer. Having said that, I absolutely acknowledge that it makes no sense whatsoever and is batshit insane and deserves to be mocked.

There’s so much goodness packed in here: from the names “Frumbumbly” and “Jimmy McCracklins” to the entire premise that Cats is a theatrical fraud, populated exclusively by desperate musical theatre actors who are just making cat-based shit up and stealing items from kids and old people. (“The two demographics that drop the most stuff.”)

7. Norman Swan’s erroneous tweet

When it comes to tweets that defined the pandemic, we all know and love Prof Peter Doherty’s “Dan Murphy opening hours”. But I’d like to send some love to this underrated piece the ABC’s coronavirus expert Dr Norman Swan posted in June 2020 and, thankfully, never deleted.

8. ‘You can’t grow concrete’

As godawful as the bloated demonic talking heads in the Australian corporate media are, our conservative pundits have got nothing on the ignorant weirdos who grace the UK’s airwaves.

Exhibit A is TalkTV blowhard Mike Graham, who demonstrated in this 2021 interview with a climate change activist that he is smart and informed about what things can and cannot be grown. Graham quickly ended the interview, NOT to avoid being owned any further, but because he had finished being extremely correct.

Fin Taylor is a brilliant standup comedian and nice friend, and you should definitely check out his stuff. One of his finest media appearances was this one on the US NFL show Good Morning Football when it was broadcasting live from London. Fin was booked despite the fact he’s never seen an NFL game in his life and has no interest in the sport whatsoever. He proceeded to brutally roast all British fans of NFL, the show’s presenters and people who drink Monster. It was great.

10. Greg Larsen’s Mr Oily

Excuse me for choosing something that involves me, but in my defence I am not the funny thing in this. That honour goes entirely to my colleague and friend Greg “Geggy” Larsen – perhaps the funniest fellow working in Australian comedy today. In the dying weeks of our ABC late-night show Tonightly, Greg pitched the idea of him bringing the very oily character Mr Oily to the screen and we said, “Why the fuck not?”

I think the results speak for themselves.