I have been with my boyfriend for seven years and we are both 35. We’ve had great times together working abroad, but one of the things that attracted me to him initially (and made me want us to move back to the UK together, post-Brexit) was that he was so open to having kids. He really loves his sister’s children and he’s so good with them. He’d make a great dad.
Neither of us earn a huge amount and the cost of living has hit us hard. We’ve also been in and out of jobs. I have been too busy to think about having a family, but time has crept up on me. When I asked recently whether he still wanted kids, he shocked me by saying we couldn’t afford them, plus he doesn’t want to bring kids into a world that seems to be getting worse, financially and politically.
I don’t know what to do. I love him, but it’s put me into a panic – the possibility of me having kids is slipping away. He says he loves me (and I still love him), but that he can’t help that he’s changed his mind. Help!
A colleague of mine used to have an “eight days a week” desk calendar. The extra day was marked “someday” and she used it to write down future goals that didn’t have an obvious deadline. Not so long ago, motherhood wouldn’t have belonged on the “someday” list, but with Hollywood stars such as Rachel Weisz and Hilary Swank having babies in their late 40s, it’s easy to see how, at 35, you might not feel a sense of urgency.
Nevertheless, you have had the rug pulled from under your feet and the dilemma you face is unimaginably tough. It’s one that many women will recognise. The first thing to consider is whether remaining childless is a relationship dealbreaker. The chartered consulting psychologist Luiza Neumayer sees many couples experiencing similar issues. “Begin with some introspection,” she says. “What does family mean to me? What does being a mother mean to me? Is it important to my identity, and if so, why? If I don’t become a mother, what will that mean?”
She also encourages some contemplation of this question: how much do I want to be a mother because I think I ought to, because of cultural and societal expectations? Neumayer also notes that the cost of living and the climate emergency are coming up a lot at the moment with clients; it’s important to accept that your partner’s decision is probably grounded in a well-considered argument.
Once you have clarity about what matters most to you, it is imperative to express your feelings honestly to your partner. It won’t be easy – not least because it sounds like you may both have been in the habit of avoiding difficult conversations – and you may find it helpful to express your feelings together with a couples therapist.
Jody Day is the founder of Gateway Women, a support network for childless women, and she has heard many similar scenarios to yours. “Possibly one of the most corrosive parts of being childless by relationship can be resentment towards the partner who does not want to have children,” she says. “I would be curious to know what kept him from sharing his evolving perspective, as this change of heart can’t have happened overnight. It may be that he feared it would end the relationship.”
There’s no need to panic. According to the NHS, if you are under 40 and have regular sex without using contraception, there is an eight in 10 chance you will get pregnant within a year.
However, Day suggests that, at 35, it’s time to start exploring your options – and you have many. Book a fertility MOT, because, even at 35 to 37, IVF success rates are only 25%. Think about whether you would be prepared to become a solo mother, and if you have the support and resources to do that. Are there other ways you could create and nurture others without becoming a mother? Whatever you decide, it will involve risk, but you will be actively pursuing your own “someday” dream rather than feeling like the victim of someone else’s change of heart.
