I am a 90s kid, which means I spent my fair share of time in uni sitting around with friends and taking turns wearing out the YouTube search bar. There may also have been weed involved, but that’s beside the point. The point is, before the internet fully metastasised into a place for online bullying and mainlining horrifying global atrocities, it was a place for funny tweets, videos and news stories. So let’s pretend for a moment that that is still the case, shall we?
As a clown, I know all too well that, despite my best efforts to create something groundbreakingly hilarious, the funniest things in the world happen by accident. And they happen mainly to kids and animals. I aspire to someday be 1/10th as funny as a goat on the internet.
1) This TikTok
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This video. It’s a masterpiece of internet hilarity. I love everything about it: the initial hubris of this soda-chugging Icarus, the rapid escalation, the timing, the sound effects. It’s all just *chef’s kiss* perfection.
What does any of this have to do with your man having a “Star Wars Lego set Death Star”? I have no idea. But I don’t need to know.
2) Bad Place Big Bird
If your sense of humour is as warped by the internet as mine is, then this dark-world Big Bird will simultaneously haunt your dreams and tickle your funny bone. I have a special affection for demented mascots and cursed characters, so I must also give a shout out to the Halifax Oyster festival mascot. Bless you, you creepy, multi-eyed Labia Majora.
3) Marco Rubio’s drinking style
There is nothing wrong with being parched. But there is everything wrong with the way Republican US Senator Marco Rubio guiltily sips water like a thirsty little fiscally-conservative lab rat. I love rightwing US politicians (so much that I did an entire show about one of them). I would never vote for them, but their complete self-seriousness makes them some of the most unintentionally funny people on earth. Shout out to Jeb Bush’s “please clap” moment.
4) Andy Matthews’ masterpiece of a tweet
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
— Andy Matthews (@stupidoldandy) November 28, 2019
I love this tweet so much. It’s so perfectly crafted. I’ve been referring to children as “Skin Dogs” long before I ever realised that I know its author, the very funny Andy Matthews. He’s one half of the hilarious duo Alasdair and Andy, whose cerebral and zany comedy is some of my favourite. If you haven’t checked out their shows MAGMA and TELEPORT! yet, you really should.
5) Knife kid
What’s funnier than a child with a knife? Maybe a child at a full sprint with a knife.
This video is an absolute internet classic. Short, succinct, to the point (pun intended). Also, is it safe to assume, by the speed of his mother’s “No!”, that this maybe isn’t the first time this rambunctious little skin dog has gotten his mitts on a knife? Perhaps.
6) An Ancient Egyptian mummy’s voice
This video is a masterclass in comedic subversion. I have watched it approximately 4m times and it still makes me laugh every time. I love science.
7) Curry Bird!
Speaking of science: all hail the great Curry Bird. This hungry, accident-prone, turmeric-stained creature has brought me so much joy. Thinking about all those highly educated scientists and bird specialists being absolutely flummoxed by a curry-coated seagull – that is the kind of divine silliness I slurp right up, like a hungry seagull slurping from a vat of tikka masala.
8) Mortal Kombat tweet
lol i just remembered the time this kid at the arcade whispered “please not in front of my dad” before i fatalitied him
— capitalism liker (@HumanPog) August 19, 2013
I don’t know what’s funnier about this tweet, the thought of a little video gaming kid trying to save face in front of his dad, or the thought of its author regularly facing off in arcades against little kids and their dads.
9) David Correos goes hard on Taskmaster New Zealand
This next one will be relatable to anyone who has ever gone too hard in a friendly rap battle. No? Just me?
This video of David Correos lives in my brain rent free. The juxtaposition is perfect; the others sing their gentle little rhymes while Correos raps that he’s going to use a shoelace to hang Matt Heath’s body “from a tall place.” Other highlights include Correos saying “I’m gonna drown you in your own blood” interspersed with incredible reaction shots of Guy Montgomery and Paul Williams’ shocked faces. Even better still is getting to watch Correos squirm in studio while they all watch the task together.
The Taskmaster Podcast about this episode is so, so funny. In it, Correos says that he went much harder in at least one clip that didn’t get aired. And to that I say, release the tapes, you cowards! The people deserve to hear them.
10) Goats
Goats. These strange alien sheep are naturally very funny. Whether they’re acrobatically bullying their peers or having bizarre fainting spells, they are the comedians of the barnyard animal world. But they also make the best noises. And everybody knows that the highest form of comedy is silly sounds. Therefore, I crown this silly sound-making goat the GOAT of comedy.
