I recently became deaf as a result of meningitis. I’ve got the cochlear implant and I’m doing therapy to hear well again. I was already very shy and insecure, and, though I’ve managed to get on with my life, I now feel even more insecure and a little bit of ashamed of my condition. I am constantly asking people to repeat themselves or write down whatever they’ve said so I can understand. How can I feel more confident about this new aspect of my life?
I’m not going to offer platitudes such as “you have nothing to be ashamed of” because, although you very much don’t, me telling you different would just be very dismissive of your emotions. People often don’t want to let you explore those sorts of feelings, because they think it might be painful for you. But it’s only by mining deep into them that you can even start to process them, which is vital to minimising trauma as best one can.
Because what you’ve been through – being seriously ill and losing your hearing – is traumatic. I hope I can help you access support to enable you to go into your new life with growing confidence and peace. It will take time, but you will get there.
I wasn’t sure where you live but I went to the Royal National Institute for Deaf People, which supports people in the UK who are deaf, or have hearing loss or tinnitus. I spoke to one of their localities advisers, Michael Mulvenna, who has himself had a cochlear implant since 2011. Michael said he was really nervous when he got his implant, and wasn’t sure if he would feel better or worse. He wondered if you could meet someone who has gone on this journey who can provide you with specialised “I’ve been there” help – which, frankly, people who haven’t can’t with the same authority.
Michael also suggested you might find it helpful to contact a meningitis organisation for support.
It can be very unsettling when a life-changing event happens to you. You are still you, but you may need to redefine yourself. It will also take time for the people around you to adjust. Don’t be afraid of telling them what you want and need, although I know this may be hard to begin with as you may not want to acknowledge that yourself. Not everyone will get it and that’s on them.
after newsletter promotion
When something like this happens we have to acknowledge what’s been lost. As the psychologist and psychoanalyst Dr Stephen Blumenthal has said, loss can be the hardest emotion for humans to deal with: “Loss confronts us with a fork in the road moment, where there is a path that confronts us with the need to mourn, which means processing the loss, and challenging ourselves to confront the ways we might have coped in the past. Your journey involves accommodating this new thing in your life. It is, of course, anxiety provoking to ask people to repeat themselves or write down whatever they’ve said. When we feel a little nervous to do something, we often turn away and avoid it. In fact, it’s a sign that we should recognise the feeling, be present to it and allow it to be.”
He continues: “We should treat ourselves with compassion for experiencing it, and then see if we can go towards it. Allowing oneself to inhabit that place of discomfort, in which one might feel shame, often results in the discomfort melting away.”
Confidence comes from doing the same thing over and over again. And please remember it all takes time. Talk to yourself with great kindness.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure the discussion remains on the topics raised by the article. Please be aware that there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.
